5 People You Don’t Want To See At The Movies
Going to the movies is supposed to be an entertaining experience. At least, it is if you’re seeing a good movie. But, bad movies aside, there are just a few people who you really don’t want to see at the same theater as you… ever.
1) The Decider
Most everyone goes to the theater with a movie in mind. Granted, there are times when that movie is sold out and you’re left wondering if you should go home or go see the second showing of Sharkado instead. It happens, and you deal with it.
However, every once in a while, you run into the Decider. The Decider does know how to make a decision; after all, he decided to go to the movies. But that is pretty much where his ability to choose ends. Unfortunately, you usually seem to get stuck behind this individual as he scans over the list of the movies and debates whether or not he wants to see that particular one. Depending on how close to your showtime you are, he will run through all the options available for each movie. Well, that one is rated PG, and that one started two minutes ago, and that one has Angelina Jolie in it and he does not like her (except in Gia, which goes to show you where his mind is). The decider is totally oblivious to the fact you know what you want to see, and that it starts in one minute. Heck, if you asked him if you could go before him since you know, he would probably have to think about that, too.
2) The Stockpiler
Okay, you’ve made it past the decider, and you have time to spare. So, you decide to get something to snack on during the movie. Besides, there is only one person in line, right?
Meet the stockpiler.
“I’ll have, um, a large popcorn. Oh, can I get butter on that? And I would like a large soda. And a box of Raisinets. And an Icee. And another popcorn, this time without butter. Do you have Bon Bons? I’ll have one of those. Um, make it two…”
As near as you can tell, this person is preparing for the apocalypse in the worst way possible. If you are lucky, they are a solo act. then again, you probably aren’t and they have an indecisive child with them as well.
“Well, Lazlo, what do you want? Goobers? A box of Goobers please. What, you don’t want them? What do you want?”
3) The Chatters
Theater chatters come in a number of different forms, all of which are annoying. The only thing they have in common is that the words, “Shush,” “Quiet, Please,” and ‘For God’s Sake, shut the Hell up already!” do not exist in their vocabulary.
The first is the continuous chatter. These chatters start the moment they sit down. And they talk, and talk, and talk, all the way through the movie. Often they whisper, which is just loud enough to be aggravative, but most often they “whisper” in that obnoxiously loud, “Hey, listen to me” tone of voice.
The second are the darkened chatters. These are a curious creature in that they come to the theater together and say nothing to each other. At least, nothing until the movie starts. Then the conversation begins.
<Musical Fanfare as the movie’s opening starts>
“Did you hear, Mable’s getting her tonsils out.”
“Is it her tonsils, I thought it was her toenails.”
“Oh no, she had her toenails out last month. this is her tonsils.”
“Are they going to giver her ice cream?”
Darkened chatters also have fabulous timing. They will start a conversation just as the big reveal in a mystery happens, making sure you don’t know who the killer is, but you do know that little Rachel is graduating from preschool next week.
Lastly, we have what has become a new creature, thanks to technology: the phone chatter. These people do not believe that the seventeen messages telling you to turn off your cell phone applies to them. They need to be in touch, and they need to do it with the most obnoxious of ringtones. It is always fun to be sitting in a darkened theater watching a very dramatic movie, only to hear La Cucaracha (total side note: I spelled that correctly the first time) playing from someone’s phone. Sometimes they will attempt to ignore it, but it can’t be ignored. Finally, they pull out their phone, light up the theater with the screen to see who is calling them, then answer, usually with, “I’m at the movies… No, I can talk.”
If you are really lucky, you might even run into what I did once last year. That was a chatter who actually shushed someone else for being too loud and disruptive. Yes, that’s right, an hypocritical chatter.
4) The Commentators
These are a special breed apart from the chatters. Their comments are not meant for other people, just for themselves. Apparently, they never really mastered the art of thinking to themselves and must speak each thought out loud.
“How could he get back there that fast?” they mumble to themselves, just loud enough to draw attention.
“Didn’t she put the chop sticks down already?” they ask as they watch for seeming glitches in the film.
Granted, there are a few cases which you just have to deal with a commentator. The first is a movie that kids will see. A lot of kids don’t realize they are doing it. When I went to see the X-Men in theaters so many years ago, I was seated in front of a small kid who would say each character’s name as they appeared on the screen. A small child twists the gates of a concentration camp with magnetic powers, I knew that was Magneto thanks to that kid. Young Marie starts to drain her first kiss, and that kid made sure I knew that was Rogue.
The other instance is when a movie is that bad, and it’s free, and it’s midnight on a college campus. Syracuse University used to run free midnight showings of movies on Fridays and Saturdays. These movies usually were not great. One of them was a Godzilla movie where he fought Gigan with the help of a giant robot. Half way through the movie the audience was MST3King the bejeezus out of that thing. The final battle was called like a wrestling match. I seem to remember calling out, “Pandemonium running wild!” during that part. In this case, the entire audience participated and fun was had by all.
5) The Spoilers
The spoilers are the people who you really wish would just shut the Hell up. This is mostly because you have not seen the movie yet and do not want any part of it ruined. Some spoilers are not aware that they are doing it. They are so excited to have seen an awesome movie that they want to talk about it right away. They just do not realize that not everyone in line waiting for the movie knows that Will takes Davy Jones’ place as captain and can only see Elizabeth once every eight years (oh, sorry, spoiler alert). You can’t fault their enthusiasm, just their lack of considerate timing.
But then, there are those spoilers who have seen the movie before… eight times before. You may be seeing Star Trek for the first time, but they already have it memorized.
“Oooh, this is the part where Kirk meets the original Spock! I love how he reveals that Sulu is really Kirk’s brother (note: false spoiler – Sulu is really McCoy’s second cousin once removed).” Again, their enthusiasm for the movie takes over, much to your detriment. This is especially so when watching caper movies and mysteries.
Which of the five do you find most annoying? Or, did I completely miss someone who should be on this list? Let me know my replying to this post. Thank you.