Everything Old…

Since Hollywood is so keen on remaking old tv series and classic films, I figured it would be a good idea to give them some new ideas what to cover. After all, there are tons of old shows and movies that were so bad that a cinematic overhaul would only improve the source material. Want proof? The Island, due out later this year, is, more or less, a remake of Parts: The Clonus Horror. Never heard of it? Consider yourself lucky, because it is that bad. Not even Mystery Science Theater 3000 can make this piece of… ahem… celluloid watchable.

So, without wasting any further time, here are a number of old crappy ideas that Hollywood could recycle.

1) My Mother The Car – Reimagined so that Mother is reincarnated at a Ferrari, and constantly acts up whenever her son tries to use her to pick up women.

2) The Navy vs The Night Monsters – Take one Antarctic research mission, sprinkle in strange acid-squirting trees, and add in the modern touches of Navy SEALs and a CGI aerial battle between Navy Pilots and giant night dwelling monster trees (not in the original movie, but hey, what the Hell). Top it all off with some former Playboy playmate to reprise the role once played by Mamie Van Doren.

3) Misfits of Science – A series ripe for a serious cinematic interpretation. Wipe out the campy feel of the original, and somehow convince Courteney Cox to make a cameo to tie it to the original series, and there you go. The script writes itself… and if it doesn’t, reuse one of theirs.

4) Seven Brides For Seven Brothers – Not really a bad movie, but still ripe for “reinterpretation.” Instead of a cute story about a young bride trying to turn her husband’s six brothers from gruff mountain men to marrying material, we have the intense story of two planets… and lasers, yeah, must have lasers.

5) Destroy All Monsters– The 30 man battle royal of Godzilla movies, only this time, we use the monsters that Hollywood has given us of late. That’s right, it’s Freddy vs Jason vs Michael vs Leatherface vs Horace “The Shocker” Pinker vs Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lector vs Pinhead “the Hellraiser” vs an army of Romero zombies.

About chyrondave

Avid comic reader, amateur writer, music fan, and someone with opinions, lots of opinions.

Posted on June 29, 2005, in Movies, Television and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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